The Devil, Obama, and Haiti (Satire)

January 25, 2010

Trying to ease his boredom, an American man turns on his television. Unfortunately for him, he finds that some fool has left it on a news channel. The man falls asleep. He has not turned off his television. The horrors of everyday life unfold on the Sony – KDL-52XBR9 – 52″ LCD TV – 1080p that dominates his living room, as a woman named Katrina Olberman explains the truth of what was once believed to be the result of two tectonic plates colliding.

Anchor: Last year, the world was stunned when a poor uneducated Negro was elected to be President of the United States. This year, the Devil was stunned by the same announcement. Reporter Katrina Olberman with MSNBS is live as the action unfolds.

Katrina: Well, right now all of the details are just starting to straighten out. It seems that last night, at approximately 4:53 PM, the Devil knocked down the country of Haiti for failing to fulfill the terms of a pact. However, the Devil has now found out that he “hath smitten the wrong country.” He is about to deliver his public apology.

Devil: I would like to extend my formal condolences to the people of Haiti, if there are any left. I realize now that it was not one of your citizens who failed to recognize the terms of an agreement, but rather an American who looks, I swear, just like you guys. I now know that I should have done more research before releasing my wrath on a poor unsuspecting country, but in all due fairness, I was only, like, 300 miles off. In order to compensate for the damages, I am going to stop my gradual warming of the earth in your area. Thank You.

Katrina: Who is this contract making American? I have no idea. Elijah in the newsroom has the details, and an exclusive with the devil himself.

Elijah: When I arrived on the planet–cough–United States last week, I decided to join MSNBS in their search to find the American with enough audacity to make a deal with the Devil. Luckily for America, He has been found. The man who the Devil assumed was a Haitian is none other than Barack Obama, crusader and personal mascot of our Network. It seems that the Devil made the common mistake of thinking that the only minority in America was the Jew, and so figured that Obama must have been Haitian based on his dark, ebony, smooth, silky skin tone.

Devil: He does have very nice skin.

Elijah: Yes, yes he does.

The viewer rolls over, landing on the remote and changing the channel. He is once again unfortunate enough to land on the news. This time Faux News reporter Sara Palin is interviewing Pat Robertson, made famous for declaring that Haiti’s doom was brought about by their dealings with the Devil in the early 1800’s.

Palin: So do you feel vindicated, Mr. Robertson, knowing that your theory was correct?

Robertson: Well thanks Sarah, but you know, I wasn’t completely correct. It was Obama who made a deal with the Devil, not Haiti. And it wasn’t God who destroyed Haiti, but rather the Devil himself.

Palin: Right….

Robertson: It seems that the Devil agreed to help Obama get elected on the grounds that he destroy America as quickly and efficiently as possible. All was going according to plan. The stimulus passed, and it looked like the Health Care Reform Plan would as well. But then, when Mr. Brown was elected in Massachusetts–

Palin: Bless you!

Robertson: Sarah, Massachusetts is–

Palin: Bless you!

Robertson: …Anyway, the Devil became very frustrated. So, in order to punish Obama for failing to doom America, he destroyed what he thought was his native country.

Palin: … … … … Oh you’re done? We’ll be right back.

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The viewer wakes up. He is still bored, and has rolled into some cheese dip that is now saturating his pants. Unwilling to take a shower, the viewer fast-forwards his life all the way until 2012. He has forgotten to change the channel, and this time must endure the O’ Really Show.

O’Really: Let’s take a look at that clip.

Devil: Thank you America! I would like to accept the presidential nomination at this Democratic National Convention in San Juan and to congratulate Puerto Rico for their long awaited statehood. I promise that I will get health care reform passed!

O’Really: Well personally, I think he’s doing a great job taking the initiative here. I’ve always said, if you want something done, you’ve got to do it yourself. But of course, my opinion isn’t the only opinion. What do you think Monica?

Hot Blonde Lawyer: I’m going to agree with Bill on this one.

O’Really: Susan?

Hot Brunette Lawyer: Well I think—

O’Really: Oh Really??

The viewer notices that the cheese dip is now all over his body. He begins to feel short of breath. He thinks about calling an ambulance, but decides to change the channel.

Elijah: Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-… That’s all, folks!!

The viewer dies of cancer. The cheese dip laughs.