So let’s see. Well, today’s my birthday! I’m 18. I registered to vote in the midterm election, but due to some sort of error I’ve actually got to go stand in line at the polling center, which I suppose is something that everyone should experience at least once anyway. I’m rather excited. Not at all sure what I’m going to do about the RIDICULOUS governor situation though. Maybe I’ll post about that later.

As for the future of this blog: I shaved my head, so I’m going to have to redo the banner. And since nothing else about this blog demands that it has to be strictly political, I might increase the scope a little bit. Politics, my life, random thoughts…I’ll try to keep it interesting.

What else happened today…hmm…Oh!  My sister’s cancer treatment hit the $300,000 mark!  This is why insurance is good. Go out and buy some.

So, there you have it, my first post in nearly half a year, and a breif update on my life.

PS

I got a really awesome 18th birthday present from my aunt, here’s a picture

She sent me that, framed! John Galt! Calling!  !!!! On mine it has the number, but I don’t trust all of you internet folk not to go and call it, so it’s censored here :)

Kyle: What happened? I thought you were going to kill yourself.

Cartman: I tried. Went to sleep in my mom’s car in the garage with the engine turned on.

Stan: But you didn’t die?

Cartman: Freaking hybrids man. They just don’t do the trick anymore.

When I first heard this, I couldn’t stop laughing. A couple weeks later in my AP Enviro class (which I am actually starting to like, despite it’s being nicknamed AP Flaming Liberal), we watched the movie Who Killed the Electric Car?.

At the end, our teacher showed us some nifty charts. Going from an internal combustion engine to a hybrid electric car reduces carbon monoxide emissions by all of one percent. (If you don’t believe my recollection of the movie you can check out page four of this site, but I swear I take killer notes.) This means that if poor Cartman had really locked himself in the garage with a hybrid, he would have died from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Epic fail, South Park creators. I might just email you

So, while we aren’t talking about That, let’s talk about oranges. Today, I found a shape in my orange. I can’t exactly explain what it is, but it was inside the orange, next to the juicy pieces. It looks kind of like a dried fruit. Smells like a tangerine.  Exciting, no? I wish it looked like Jesus. I’d be rich by now.

 That’s the thing. Think it looks like a moon?

Well, that’s it for today. If you do want to talk about That, check out  this or that or even this  or pretty much the internet in general

Sorry for the somber tone! If it’s really bugging you, write a rhetorical analysis.

So in the interest of preserving your mode of defy-the-system protest, I am not going to change the URL for your site on my blogroll, thus forcing everyone who wants to view your cursed blog to click an extra time before reaching your site. This may not sound like much, but O! it will add up. Mwahaha!

For old time’s sake, I will link to your new blog here. But only for old time’s sake.

http://militantlibertarian.org/

Militant, we will miss you.

Click to see the interview with Colbert

At 4:20, Colbert asks Ron to put his hand down when he mentions an organization that he would not want to abolish. Ron’s hand stays up the entire time, though he lowers it slightly for UNICEF.

To me, like to Colbert, Ron Paul is something of an enigma. He isn’t your typical conservative, with his low value of safety and military spending. However, he is also not a libertarian, as he is very much a social conservative, no matter what he tries to call himself.

Whatever Ron Paul is, there is something he very clearly isn’t. He is not the GOP’s 2012 nomination for President.  Go ahead. I dare you to cry Straw Poll.

In fact, the CPAC Straw Poll is very rarely accurate. It is taken at a convention that only die hards attend, and at this, only the die hards of the die hards actually vote. This is because voting at the convention is completely optional. This year, only about 2,000 of the 10,ooo conservatives present chose to vote. At any rate, Ron Paul shouldn’t be getting his hopes up.

This screen shot from the ChaCha archives shows someone asking the question, What song says all the boys want to touch my junk? and ChaCha replies “My Humps” by the Black Eyed Peas. The proper answer is “Tik Tok,” by Ke$ha.  Now whatever you think of the song, (it rhymes crunk with drunk) ChaCha definitely missed the mark, reminding us, once again, that there is no such thing as a free lunch.

So who are these infallible genii who answer questions? Well, they are Guides. ChaCha has very, very strict requirements to become a Guide.

ChaCha Guides must be 18+ years old, fluent in English, and have a U.S. mailing address.

Well, if I don’t get into college, at least I have a fall back option.

In defense of ChaCha, at least you get what’s advertised. I don’t know about you, but my Bff wouldn’t have answered this question right, either.

Anchor: Last year, the world was stunned when a poor uneducated Negro was elected to be President of the United States. This year, the Devil was stunned by the same announcement. Reporter Katrina Olberman with MSNBS is live as the action unfolds.

Katrina: Well, right now all of the details are just starting to straighten out. It seems that last night, at approximately 4:53 PM, the Devil knocked down the country of Haiti for failing to fulfill the terms of a pact. However, the Devil has now found out that he “hath smitten the wrong country.” He is about to deliver his public apology.

Devil: I would like to extend my formal condolences to the people of Haiti, if there are any left. I realize now that it was not one of your citizens who failed to recognize the terms of an agreement, but rather an American who looks, I swear, just like you guys. I now know that I should have done more research before releasing my wrath on a poor unsuspecting country, but in all due fairness, I was only, like, 300 miles off. In order to compensate for the damages, I am going to stop my gradual warming of the earth in your area. Thank You.

Katrina: Who is this contract making American? I have no idea. Elijah in the newsroom has the details, and an exclusive with the devil himself.

Elijah: When I arrived on the planet–cough–United States last week, I decided to join MSNBS in their search to find the American with enough audacity to make a deal with the Devil. Luckily for America, He has been found. The man who the Devil assumed was a Haitian is none other than Barack Obama, crusader and personal mascot of our Network. It seems that the Devil made the common mistake of thinking that the only minority in America was the Jew, and so figured that Obama must have been Haitian based on his dark, ebony, smooth, silky skin tone.

Devil: He does have very nice skin.

Elijah: Yes, yes he does.

The viewer rolls over, landing on the remote and changing the channel. He is once again unfortunate enough to land on the news. This time Faux News reporter Sara Palin is interviewing Pat Robertson, made famous for declaring that Haiti’s doom was brought about by their dealings with the Devil in the early 1800’s.

Palin: So do you feel vindicated, Mr. Robertson, knowing that your theory was correct?

Robertson: Well thanks Sarah, but you know, I wasn’t completely correct. It was Obama who made a deal with the Devil, not Haiti. And it wasn’t God who destroyed Haiti, but rather the Devil himself.

Palin: Right….

Robertson: It seems that the Devil agreed to help Obama get elected on the grounds that he destroy America as quickly and efficiently as possible. All was going according to plan. The stimulus passed, and it looked like the Health Care Reform Plan would as well. But then, when Mr. Brown was elected in Massachusetts–

Palin: Bless you!

Robertson: Sarah, Massachusetts is–

Palin: Bless you!

Robertson: …Anyway, the Devil became very frustrated. So, in order to punish Obama for failing to doom America, he destroyed what he thought was his native country.

Palin: … … … … Oh you’re done? We’ll be right back.

Advertisement: Who do you think keeps you healthy? Is it doctors? No, it’s God. Doctors are as bad as the Devil himself, because they try to take the place of God. Mike Huckabee has always stood firmly for God, and against those trying to usurp his authority. Vote for Mike Huckabee in November of 2012. Paid for by the Citizens Against Doctors.

Advertisement: Would you kill the bacteria on your kitchen table? Would you scratch your arm and risk killing living cells? Would you kill…a baby? Of course not! So why would you kill a fetus? Be Pro-Life. Vote no on the Supreme Court. Paid for by the Citizens Against Infanticide.

Advertisement: There comes a time in every mans life when it becomes difficult for him to ‘be fruitful and multiply.’ Fulfill God’s wishes with Viagra, only $99.99.

The viewer wakes up. He is still bored, and has rolled into some cheese dip that is now saturating his pants. Unwilling to take a shower, the viewer fast-forwards his life all the way until 2012. He has forgotten to change the channel, and this time must endure the O’ Really Show.

O’Really: Let’s take a look at that clip.

Devil: Thank you America! I would like to accept the presidential nomination at this Democratic National Convention in San Juan and to congratulate Puerto Rico for their long awaited statehood. I promise that I will get health care reform passed!

O’Really: Well personally, I think he’s doing a great job taking the initiative here. I’ve always said, if you want something done, you’ve got to do it yourself. But of course, my opinion isn’t the only opinion. What do you think Monica?

Hot Blonde Lawyer: I’m going to agree with Bill on this one.

O’Really: Susan?

Hot Brunette Lawyer: Well I think—

O’Really: Oh Really??

The viewer notices that the cheese dip is now all over his body. He begins to feel short of breath. He thinks about calling an ambulance, but decides to change the channel.

Elijah: Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-… That’s all, folks!!

The viewer dies of cancer. The cheese dip laughs.

Anyway, we had a hard time getting up the driveway. But we finally did, blasted up the heat so the pipes wouldn’t freeze, made sure the bird was still alive, and went to sleep. The next morning, we woke up to this headline.

Denver Water to Hike Rates 13% in Denver

Now you might think that my snow stuffed brain is exaggerating the importance of this headline. I mean, who really cares about a slight increase in water prices? Obviously not me, as I’m not paying the bills…yet. But the problem isn’t the fact that our water prices are going up, the problem is *why* the prices are going up.

If you read the article in the Denver Post (our ONLY newspaper…sigh) it says that the prices are increasing for some  ‘projects’. This is a blatant lie. The reason that water prices are going up is because people are using less water. And why are people using less water? Because Denver Water ran a giant  water conservation campaign, even winning an award for the brilliant billboards (pictured here) that they used to convince people to buy less water. I’m not even kidding. I’m also not a conspiracy theorist. So let’s assume, best-case scenario, that Denver Water has been planning to raise their rates for a long time, and that it has nothing to do with the fact that they have a self-induced shortage of revenue. Fine. The fact remains that the way Denver Water thanks people for meeting their water conservation goals is to raise their rates. Denver water is essentially saying “Great Job Guys!!! We’re going to give you all a present. It’s called ‘more expensive bills.’ Enjoy!”

Humph. It’s things like this that give environmentalists a bad reputation. Oh well. At least Colorado isn’t a Democratic state…wait. Never mind.